Learning to Step Away - Some People Aren’t Meant to Stay.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in recovery is that getting sober doesn’t just change what you drink or don’t drink.

It changes how you see people.

It changes what you’re willing to tolerate.

And sometimes it teaches you a painful lesson about helping people.

There was someone in my life who was struggling. I saw somebody who needed help getting back on their feet, and I stepped up.

I helped because that’s who I wanted to be.

Recovery taught me about service. AA taught me that we don’t get through this life alone. Other people helped me when I needed it, so when I saw someone struggling, I wanted to do the same thing.

I wasn’t looking for anything in return.

But I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to get kicked in the nuts for helping them either.

That’s basically what happened.

After everything I did to help this person get back on their feet, I ended up feeling used and taken advantage of. Even worse, the situation became unhealthy for both me and my significant other.

Looking back, I should have stepped away sooner.

Today, I’m glad they’re gone.

Not because I hate them.

Not because I want anything bad to happen to them.

I’m glad they’re gone because I can finally see how unhealthy the entire situation had become.

And that’s where recovery comes into this.

AA teaches me to look at my part.

My part isn’t what they did to me. That’s theirs.

My part is asking myself why I continued allowing a situation to affect my peace, my relationship and eventually my resentment.

There’s a difference between helping someone and letting someone take advantage of your willingness to help.

I’m finally learning that difference.

Coming back to the Catholic faith has made me look at this differently too.

I’ve spent more time thinking about forgiveness, compassion, humility and how I want to treat other people.

My faith tells me to help people.

It tells me to forgive.

But I’m learning that forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to put myself in the same position to be hurt again.

I can forgive you and still learn from what you did.

That’s a lesson I wish I had understood years ago.

Because here’s something recovery has taught me:

You can have a good heart and still need boundaries.

You can help someone without becoming responsible for them.

You can forgive someone without trusting them again.

You can wish somebody the best while realizing your life is healthier without them in it.

And you can admit that helping the wrong person almost cost you something far more valuable than whatever you gave them — your peace.

My sobriety is too important for that.

My relationship is too important for that.

My faith is too important for that.

The life I’ve rebuilt is too important for that.

AA talks a lot about people, places and things. Early in recovery, I thought that mostly meant staying away from the people and environments associated with drinking.

Today I understand it differently.

Some people don’t have to offer you a drink to become unhealthy for your recovery.

Drama can do it.

Resentment can do it.

Anger can do it.

Constant stress can do it.

And allowing yourself to continually be taken advantage of can absolutely do it.

That’s why I’m taking this lesson seriously.

Never again.

Never again will I mistake being taken advantage of for being helpful.

Never again will I let someone else’s problems create problems between me and my significant other.

Never again will I keep giving to someone who has already shown me what they think of my help.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop helping people.

Actually, it’s the opposite.

Service is part of who I want to be.

Helping another alcoholic, helping someone struggling, giving back and doing something good for another human being — that’s part of my recovery and part of what Normalize Sobriety is supposed to stand for.

I’m not going to let one bad experience take that away from me.

I’m just going to be wiser about it.

Maybe that’s the lesson God wanted me to learn from this.

Help people.

Love people.

Forgive people.

But don’t lose yourself trying to save somebody else.

I got burned this time.

I learned from it.

And I won’t make the same mistake twice.

Normalize Sobriety

Keep it Clean. Keep it Simple.

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